I wore my daughter's disposable mask the other day without realizing she had previously used it to blow her nose. That was a first.
I feel like we've all had a year of 'firsts', if you will: the first time wearing a mask to a restaurant; the first time having my temperature checked to enter a building; the first time calling poison control on myself.
This one is actually a very simple story----it could happen to the best of us (it did; I'm the best). My mom had sugar cookies cooling on a cookie rack and next to them were five different tubes of gel icing.
I selected the neon pink tube for my mostly cooled cookie, and since no one was watching and therefore could not judge me, I used the entire tube of icing. The first bite was kind of funky. The second and third were no better. I considered tossing the last bite into the trash, but I don't quit on cookies because they've never quit on me.
Ok, that was officially the grossest icing I've ever consumed. I hurried to the other room to complain to my mom about her bogus Betty Crocker purchase, but she took the empty tube from my hand and shook her head in confusion. "This is food coloring."
Dammit.
I know that food coloring is food grade and therefore edible, of course, but I ate the whole concentrated tube, ya'll. My mouth started feeling numb. It was also hot pink. My tongue looked like a Lisa Frank eraser.
The lady with Poison Control was gracious but confused. "So you took just one bite of the cookie with food coloring, right?" she asked.
"Well, no, mam, I pushed through and finished it."
She humored me for a moment before telling me I would be fine. I think about it now and laugh. It's funny. I'm funny. I'm also a binge eater. That's not always so funny.
My life feels out of control sometimes. It's felt pretty much out of control this entire pandemic, and so I cope with carbohydrates. I was so proud of myself last winter (pre-pandemic). I ate a bunch of nasty, dry protein bars and tasteless health shakes and found myself 32 pounds lighter. My clothes fit like they were supposed to fit. I felt more confident. I developed a bit of a peacock strut.
Then the whole world went to shit. This past year was incredibly trying for my mental health: fear, anxiety, boredom, sadness, uncertainty. Suddenly, egg whites weren't cutting it.
Not surprisingly, I've put back on almost all that weight I worked so hard to lose. I did attempt a juice cleanse a couple of weeks ago, but one day into the diet, I remembered that pizza existed, and so there went that overpriced idea.
Each day I tell myself that THIS is the day I will start eating better, yet each day comes and goes and makes a liar out of me. That motivation I had last winter is all but gone, and here I am, stuck in this caloric rut with a fading hot pink tongue and a pile of dirty laundry.
The days can be so impossibly long as a stay-at-home mom. They're even longer in quarantine.
My father tested positive for Covid back in November (he had a mild case, thank God), but since we'd all been exposed, the kids were stuck remote learning for a fourteen day quarantine. Even two negative tests were not enough to free us. Not leaving the house for two straight weeks made me do some crazy sh*t. Case in point:
Luckily for you, our quarantine was up before I had the chance to recreate her red catsuit video. Meow.
My daughter came home from school the other day and asked me if it was always going to be like this--- the wearing masks and keeping a distance from her friends at school. I could see a genuine sadness in her eyes, and my heart broke for her. For once, I wasn't going to tell her to suck it up. I didn't remind her how good we've got it; that we're still incredibly blessed. She knows all that. But this is her reality. She's allowed to mourn it.
"It's not supposed to be like this," I told her. "And I'm sorry."
We're living in some unprecedented times, and I'm thinking we all just need to give each other a little bit of grace. Social media has become such an ugly place for people to pass judgement and advance their crazy conspiracy theories that I actually preferred the days of the pyramid schemes. Why, yes, Susan, I will buy that non-FDA approved magic potion syrup if you would just stop posting articles of the benefits of wearing three masks at the beach.
I get why the world has been so focused on health during this pandemic, because, DUH, it's a pandemic. This virus attacks the respiratory system. It attacks the vascular system. It wrecks the body, but I also feel the need to say this: it's attacking our mental health, as well. There's this thought that if we talk about the consequences of this pandemic on our actual sanity, then we're minimizing the seriousness of this virus. But I don't find that to be true; the two are not mutually exclusive.
We are able to fear this virus and recognize its devastation while still mourning the small, silly things in our lives that have been taken away or put on pause. Is that selfish of us? Sure. But we're human beings. We all feel it, right?
I miss concerts. I miss going to college basketball games and dripping nacho cheese on my black leggings while the crowd roars around me. I miss getting all up in my friends' faces after one too many glasses of wine. I mostly just miss all the people.
