Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Stalking Around the Christmas Tree

I've never been a real holly jolly kind of gal.  I enjoy being showered with sparkly, expensive loot just as much as the next woman, but I've always found the whole ornament, tree, and mistletoe deal a bit excessive.  Since I unknowingly married Kris Kringle and therefore have no choice but to deck my halls, I have resorted to begging and pleading this holiday season. 

Unfortunately, my husband will not allow me to take a yuletide snow check, so on a dreary Sunday afternoon, he drug me to the only place the Swiss enjoy more than the bank: a ginormous Christmas warehouse filled with robotic polar bears, angels, pink poinsettias, and tree after tree after tree. 


In my defense, my objection to a Christmas tree is only partially because I hate foliage---I was even so kind as to suggest a pleasant, synthetic tree that he could decorate to his enormous heart's desire.  You see, the problem with an authentic, bona fide pine is that it triggers my OCD much in the same way as raw poultry, elevator buttons, and porta potties: it's likely contaminated.

I think most of my reasonable, level-headed readers would agree that trees belong in their natural habitat, just as cheetahs belong in the wild and Britney Spears belongs in the music industry.  Yet somehow, my husband rejected this notion, and lo and behold, we bought a damn shrub.

A quick phone call to my brutally honest mother confirmed my worst fears: she once knew a lady who knew a lady who unknowingly bought a Christmas tree infested with spider eggs.  Once those eggs did the whole incubation bit and hatched right in time for good old December 25th, that house was crawling with more legs than a Victoria's Secret runway. 

I have inspected, reinspected, and sawed off enough branches to ensure that no spiders survived the journey to our upstairs living room, and just for good measure, I checked the trunk for coiled reptiles that could slither or climb their way into Amelia's tiny airway. 

Isn't she a beaut!

Fortunately, Kris Kingle has yet to get around to decorating, and the fact that the tree remains ornament-less is actually to my benefit---I have no chance of knocking down a ceramic candy cane when I stalk around the tree each night, threatening to wake my husband from dreams of sleigh bells and figgy pudding.

1 comment:

  1. While I do not ever remember telling your mother our spider story, we did indeed get a spider infested tree one year. It erupted much before the 25th. The worst thing as you know is that a cold tree can be a lovely skinny thing. However a cut and decorated tree in a warm home has a tendency to "spread it's wings". Therefore as I tried to evict said contaminated tree, if refused to fit through any entry to our house close to where it was located. So then I was SURE spiders had stampeded everywhere though I had tried to crazily wrap that greenery up to get it OUT. We have not acquired a live tree since. Good thing too....found out my oldest is not too good allergy wise with trees. Another thing to be OCD about. Happy Holidays. PS. Also never flip open the box of a pizza bought because you were too busy decorating the tree to cook dinner across a pine scented yankee candle...bought to make your house smell like live tree though yours is fake. Said pizza box WILL start a small fire. And burn your auntie's CHristmas card your husband put the pizza on top of on the counter. Just saying.